I’m long overdue a mini rant on here. In fact, I can almost hear VIP breathing a sigh of relief as I pummel my keyboard; his ear is no longer required to bend.

My mini rant is about moaners; as in people who moan about life in general, how tough they have it, why they are having a crappy day, why they are just…well, never truly happy. They are energy sappers.

Trust me, I’m not bemoaning (like what I did there?) people who moan. Heck, I moan about this and that every now and then – we all have to, to let off steam. But what irks me are people who have something negative to say about pretty much everything in life.

Having spent a year enduring cancer treatment last year, I don’t recall complaining once. Even when I was on death’s door for 3 days after my third lot of EC chemo and was hallucinating and wondering if I could summon up the energy to raise my hand to pick up my water glass next to my bed (I couldn’t). I’d always try and see the positive (‘it’s making me better in the long term’, ‘it’s only temporary’, ‘when I’m done with treatment this week I’m off out to treat myself’ etc. And I think that positive thinking and willingness to overlook the crap and focus on the good is what got me through my treatment mostly unscathed.

I’m not asking for a medal for this of course, that’s not my point – it’s this: I wish that people would put their lives in perspective when it comes to moaning about life’s tiny niggles. We’ve all got things going on in our lives that we could moan about – all of the time, but are they REALLY that bad? Is it a case of life or death? Can you realise that it’s a temporary situation and that it’s not worthy of a mention. Let’s talk about holidays, pets, a nice restaurant you’ve tried or how you’re planning on bossing your new diet or exercise regime…

The empath curse

You might be wondering why people’s everyday (tiny) moans bother me so much? Well, I’m an empath; I pick up on people’s emotions and I absorb them. And when I say I absorb them, I literally mean that I feel their pain, their sorrow, their happiness, their apprehension – you name it, I will be affected by people in a way that not many people can comprehend.

Empaths soak up negative emotions and when I’ve finished speaking (or being with) people who are perpetually negative, I feel like I’ve gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. I’m wiped out, have no energy and feel low. I’m highly sensitive to smells, noise, lights, very loud people – anything overpowering either gives me severe headaches or migraines or I just feel overwhelmed. It’s actually very tiring being an empath and I’ve learned that it’s crucial to recognise when your body or mind needs a break.

And years ago I wondered why I prefer my own company; now I know it’s because I feel more balanced, more grounded. I don’t have anyone offloading their negative thoughts or feelings. I always said that I choose my friends carefully and I stand by that. And the friends I choose are typically ambitious, high achievers, have positive mindsets and a ‘can do’ attitude, don’t take themselves too seriously and have a great (and usually silly!) sense of humour. If I’m laughing or winning, I’m good!

I jokingly call being an empath a curse, but it does have its advantages. Being emotionally intelligent means that I have this insane ability to sense an atmosphere in a room even before I’ve entered. I’m always very sympathetic, will go out of my way to help people and genuinely care about everyone and everything. And this means that I also crumble at the slightest sad event. And that’s the reason I don’t watch the news; ignorance for me really is bliss.

A real life example

Let me give you an example of my empathic ways. Just a couple of weeks ago I had a job to do filming a funeral for a lady whose husband had passed away. You might think it strange to film a funeral, but he was originally from New Zealand and many of his family were unable to fly over to attend the funeral (it was during the Covid-19 pandemic and lockdown was on). So there I was, at the back of the crematorium listening to all the tributes from friends and relatives. And for the first half hour of the service, I had managed to hold it together. And then the music came and I crumbled.

Desperately trying hard to make it look like I wasn’t crying, I pretended I had something in my eye (over the years I’ve perfected this move), and was grateful that I was at the back of the room and no one would see my tears. I was wrong; I glanced to my left and there was some bloke who had turned to look round and he was staring straight at me with an expression on his face that I could only interpret as: “Why is that woman, a professional videographer, crying over a dead man who she doesn’t even know?” And I don’t blame him; even I’ll admit it’s a bit odd. But it’s not like I can help it. And I think the older I’ve become the worse my empath tendencies have developed.

Being an empath does have its advantages of course. It would be foolish of me to ignore those; I genuinely feel people’s happiness, excitement, buzz, vibe….whatever you want to call it. I get excited for friends when they share something they love or have to looks forward to; I rejoice in their accomplishments and will them to do well so that they have happy vibes – and then so do I.

So you can see why moaners would affect me so much. I’ve always been the ‘glass half full’  person and mingling with those who can’t just acknowledge a nice moment or occurrence without adding in a negative really grates me.

So while I was having my solo holiday in Margate I did a lot of soul searching and came to the conclusion that I will embrace my empath attributes. Instead of allowing myself be become affected by others who consistently moan about how bad their lives are (when they really aren’t), I would put some space between us and use ‘my imaginary bubble’ as my friend Sarah calls it, to protect myself.

So on a practical level what has this meant? Well, mainly deciding to deal with people that have affected me from a distance – i.e. as little contact as possible on the phone or in person, and more texts, emails etc Instead of spending time in my day when I’m thinking about them or something they’ve said or done, I’ll distract myself and focus on my own path.

The science behind HSPs

In the name of research (for all those other empaths out there), I went online and got some inspiration on how empaths or HSPs (Highly Sensitive People) can protect themselves from negative energy, emotions and conversations. I’ve also added some of my own coping mechanisms. Try these…

• Spend time alone – even if it’s just 10 minutes a day.
• Keep a journal (I write the Five Minute Gratitude Journal every morning & evening)
• Meditate – my go-to is the Headspace app.
• Spend time amongst nature – go for a walk in the woods or fields perhaps.
• Distract with things you love (my guilty pleasure – TV programmes such as Selling Sunset, Real Housewives Of Cheshire, Cobra Kai!)
• If you have to be with someone who you know drains you, set a time limit and have an excuse for an early departure.

A friend recommended a book for Empaths, available on Amazon, called The Empath’s Survival Guide. It’s on my Christmas wish-list!

When the going gets tough, what are your go-to ways of coping?

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